12/23/2019
First Blog Post Ever.
I start this post to at least make a starting point for myself and anyone who happens to read these other than myself. To all of those who do, welcome to my mind.
I decided to make this blogger page in order to keep my life in order, and to try and help myself understand things that happen, and help me reflect upon them. In the same breathe, it is also a way for me to try and understand things that might be wrong with me, or if I am simply not just incredibly stupid.
As of this first post, I am now 32 years old. I am overweight, and jobless. I live with my girlfriend in Washington with her and her family. I moved up here from Texas, in the hopes of finding a better life, and advancing myself into a better place. So far, since September, I have yet to procure a job, despite my qualifications and experience for the job of which I am seeking employment. This has, without question, caused me a bit of distress and is slowly sinking me into my own self pity bubble.
Try as I might to make things work, I've only managed to land a seasonal job at the local Game Stop, working on average 3hrs every two weeks. You can see where my frustrations and lack of fulfillment is coming from, no? Though despite my enjoyment at this job, it is not helping me get any closer to that which I am striving for; it is little more than play money I get from helping a company out ever so often.
As troubled as my life is to myself, the woman I am with is far more in need of help from somewhere other than myself.
Perspective: I have no empathy for anyone. I simply just do not care enough to care. I gave up on people because they took advantage of my big heart. For many years I tried to make people happy, and I got not but slaps in the face and forgotten to most events or even basic gatherings. I became a shut in, and consumed my focus in video games and music. At 32 I have yet to get myself out of this rut, but try I have to make my life better, and to leave a good impression on others that they might one day recognize the amazing person they had forgotten.
I had been betrayed, back-stabbed, lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and a veritable of other unpleasant things. So in turn, in a hole of anger and understanding my worth was higher than others had deserved until then, I broke my emotions in half and let them rot inside me; never to return unless someone could wrangle them out of me and earn them. I had found hopefuls in my life, and all had failed me. With each passing year, the human race becomes more and more distant to it's neighbors, and each other. Especially here in the United States where simply being of a different political ideology is frowned upon and shunned. Difference of opinion is to some the "wrong" opinion.
I digress.
My current lover, a woman a year younger than I, has a fair share more troubles and issues than myself. I simply just can't find a way to properly help someone I view to not truly want the help. Or at the very least, is unsure of how to express it, or to move beyond the troubles of her past. She has, Depression, Migraines, Planters Fasciitis, Asthma, current a Broken Thumb, Self-Worth issues, Anger Issues, mild case of Dual Personalities or Mind Sets, and a few others. She is quick to temper, hates when others points out her faults and offers advice on how to handle things better. She shuts down and exits the conversation when people do this with her disassociation disorder, and she cannot let go of her past. She cannot forgive, refuses to, and gives the person she resents the hardest time, even though what happened to her was when she was 8 years old, and she is currently 31. That is a LONG time to hold a grudge, especially since the person has worked hard on themselves to become a better person. They have tried to right their own mistakes, and has worked tirelessly to make things right with her, but she utterly refuses to forgive and move on. She holds fast to these experiences, these let downs, and bottles them up until she snaps or breaks down; never stopping to think of how to best handle her situations.
For me, I was raised more conservative, being from Texas. Though not religious, I do hold some of the ways of thinking of how to be a decent human being. But I am also not one to suffer fools. As previously stated, I shut my emotions off at the gate. This was around 2010, give or take a year. When I did this, I entered a new understanding about life, and began to unconsciously study people. I see how they act, I see patterns, habits, phrases spoken, infliction in text in turn hidden meanings. Later on, I began to notice that the human race has a set amount of details it can offer to the face of one person or the next; leading me to the conclusion that doppelgangers are far more likely to appear in the world than one might think. Anyway, this has lead me to realize that I handle things differently than most. I don't show emotions, I don't feel sympathy for people, and I have lost my empathy. I show apathy, feel sorry for others in a negative way, and simple do not care about anyone all that much. I hit the ground running before the wave hit everyone else of taking care of number one; at least in my own generation. (Millennials)
Being apart of the BDSM community, there are aspects of people that are more welcomed to be explored than one might in a vanilla (normal) relationship. To those on the outside who do not understand the mechanics of how some things work, one of the aspects of being in this lifestyle is a person's ability to fall under one (or a multiple) of categories. My partner, in this case, is what is known as a submissive middle. She chooses to submit to one she deems worthy of such devotion, acting on their wishes in an agreed upon arrangement of consensual acts and sessions. For me, a Dominant; or more accurately a Daddy Dominant. One who is nurturing, caring, and empathetic to his/her submissive. This dynamic of our relationship, at present, is almost non existent. It shows it's head here and there, but ultimately is not available. This is due to a few things.
Firstly myself. My understanding of how things go, or should go, is apparently vastly different from hers. More solidarity in structure, more trust and willingness to try things to possibly better herself in her own life, eyes, and mind. Secondly her. She is afraid to give up these things, despite her saying she is willing. The past that she clings onto so dearly hinders her judgement, self-worth, and trust in others; in turn myself. I explain to her that she is beautiful, worth everything in this world just as any other, and precious to my heart, and fully deserving of the love I express to her. She refuses to see this or agree to any part of it. She struggles with letting anyone in. Where as I do understand her reasoning behind this, that does not mean I can embrace her reasons and accept them.
She has this tendency to speak to others as if they were children, with an authoritative tone; bordering on the line of insulting or belittling in order to save face with the idea that is not wrong. She absolutely hates to be proven or told that she is wrong. Any sort of negative remark her direction, and she is immediately on the defense. She cannot handle remarks in a bad light against her.
I have a tendency to be a little hard when I reprimand her for any reason, mainly due to her snapping back, her attitude, and her guilt tripping me. Not to mention using the past as a shield to try and get me to back off when she feels attacked, as if that is supposed to make me be softer in my hardness towards her. I don't like using "baby gloves" for anyone, especially when they are being combative towards me in the first place, or at anytime during. Not to mention the BDSM lifestyle dynamic we have, I don't need to be backing down just to make her happy just because she constantly brings up her past to try and get out of being in trouble.
Now all of this is not to say I do not love her. Far from it. This is simply jotting my thoughts on paper for later review and reflection. There are a lot of good between us, but these glaring issues makes me step back and think about things as objectively as I can. Sometimes that leads to bad places and thought processes, but sometimes that is what needs to be done to make sense of things. I would give her the world if I had the power, but she unintentionally tries my sanity and mental health.
In regards to her issues mentioned before, it feels a lot of times like she uses her shortcomings as crutches to get out of things, or to have me back down from getting onto her. Me not being empathetic, and trying to be a "fixer" and fix her problems my way is making things really difficult. I don't know a way to express my support of her sometimes.
When she gets into a verbal argument with her mother's boyfriend of 20 years, she attacks me and makes me feel bad that I didn't step in between them to defend her. Sadly, nothing I could say or do right now would make any of these situations better between them, because she just won't let go of the past of one incident that happened when she was 8. (Nothing like that, btw.) She gets testy with him all the time, and he isn't any better by poking at her constantly. She currently has a healing thumb, after she fell during a skating accident causing her thumb to break off a chip of bone. His viewpoint is that she has another capable hand, and although it is inconvenient for her to use her left hand, she can still use it for a multitude of tasks. He doesn't understand her unwillingness to try, and her constant asking of me to do things for her that she can otherwise do with her left hand.In this regard, I agree with him. She is not an incapable woman, and a very strong person in many ways, but yet she gets onto me for not defending her, and actually agreeing with him. Yes, I should in some cases, but I am currently a guest in this house. If I stand up to him to any real measure or capacity, it could leave me homeless. That's not a risk I am willing to take for anyone. So I keep quiet, and try to console her in the privacy of our bedroom in the basement.
This doesn't ever work, because I didn't defend her in front of him, and I agree with him to a point. Due to her life with him growing up when he was a drunk, and would be loud and aggressive with her mother, she can't seem to forgive him or let it go and move on. She is quick to snap at him, or try and shut him down on many things he has to say. This causes tension between them, and eventually a verbal fight erupts down the line. For the most part, however, they are pretty cordial and respectful of each other. Both her mother and her mother's boyfriend drink, and it causes fights between them (verbal only thankfully) and she hides from it. She has every fan in the bedroom on going full blast just to try and hide from the noise they might make upstairs. For fuck sake, it's WINTER, in DECEMBER, and it's 32 degrees almost every day, and she has the FANS ON?? With not much of a heater down here to help take the nip out of the air for it makes her "hot and sweaty" and I am DYING in the cold. (Exaggerations to be sure, but you get the point.)
With her being in her "middle mode", much like a "little" submissive, but with the supposed mentality and actions of a teenager mindset, visibly only part of the time, she throws me into whiplash a lot of times. It comes out only when she is trying to be cute, cuddly, or she wants something. It's not an all the time thing, even though she claims it always there in some capacity. I would argue this point. She tells me I am not attuned to it, and don't understand what is needed of a Daddy Dom for his submissive. I argue this point because I do understand, but when it is on and off (as I see it to be) it is hard to anticipate how to act. She gets upset with me when I don't react properly to what she is doing, or anticipate what she wants. I am not a mind reader, and she isn't very clearly stating her needs or wants to me in a manner or way I can completely understand. This makes it difficult for me to respond correctly according to HER vision of what I should or should not be being this type of Dominant.
I feel as though my apathy is not something I can reverse, and my sharp opinion about other people blinds me to the beauty of what people can be or are. Though I know what people are worth, and what they can do when done positively, it is easy to see someone's misgivings and shortcomings in contrast to seeing what they are capable of doing. All too often do I see people expose their faults, and then blame others for not wanting or loving them. Having faults is one thing, but flaunting it and saying you have to accept them as they are is presumptuous and immature. You know who you are. These closed off feelings and emotions are hard to unlock again. This task is proving to be probably the most challenging I have ever had to do.
In terms of my growing up the way I did, making the choices I did to better myself, I feel as though I have set myself back. At the same time, I feel as though I have hindered my own progression in some areas because I judge people incredibly harsh. Now don't get me wrong, I give people the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. However all too often do I find myself regretting giving them that modicum of respect and benefit having it thrown in my face and their true intentions (or lack there of) being shown. I am very hard on people, giving them stern and blunt advice about how to handle things. I also have this issue where I don't let anything effect me. Stress, depressing things, or anything remotely negative. I just brush it off my shoulder, and push through the trenches towards the future. I handle each problem as it appears, and then I move the fuck on. For me, I can't understand how people cannot do this. How they can let others' opinions mean anything to them if it isn't positive or respectful. Criticism is met with disdain by a lot of people, even if that criticism is in a positive and helpful way. People don't want help from anyone, and are reluctant to ask. Sadly I share these same feelings, but when it comes to those who are close to me, it is especially difficult to reach out. For some reason just the simple task of asking for help is disgusting. I would offer my assistance to anyone I am close to, provided I had it to give; monetary or physically.
I feel as if I have turned myself into a cold monsters, uncaring of those around me, unwilling to let anyone in who doesn't do or is willing to do something for me. Tit for tat. I've been burned by so many in my life that I find it hard to trust people with my attention, affection, or trust. I can love hard, and can express that love in a multitude of different ways. My ways aren't going to be the best for everyone, but I still have a big heart. I am just seriously tired of being taken advantage of, being talked down to, being treated like I am a child, and not feeling as if I am getting anything back in return except back talk, snarky comments, a brush off, snub nose, or just simply not listening to my ideas of viewpoints because theirs is just so much more important or viable.
I don't mind being pestered by my partner, I enjoy it. I enjoy being tested in order to help me become a better man, and person. But when I try and do the same, I am met with hostility, snarky remarks, being told I am wrong or doing something wrong, or that it won't work how I want it to because of the past or because it "just doesn't work that way". I am constantly having to ask why doesn't it work, why won't it work, why are you so resistant to my help, why are you so hesitant to even try it my way. All I get is because it just doesn't work that way, or because you know why, or any number of other lame excuses to dodge the questions, or to make it seem like my efforts are futile. I can't do things as punishment because she doesn't like it and it triggers her. I can't say what seems like anything because it's a trigger. I can't attack her verbally to try and get through her thick skull because it triggers her. I can't be hard on her because it triggers her. Some triggers I get, and fully accept the reasons behind them, but others they seem artificial and a cop-out to get out of a situation and to not even discuss it calmly and with respect without belittling me or my ideas. Sometimes it seriously feels like I just can't win, and this relationship is turning out to not be worth the extreme effort it takes to keep my sanity in order to handle what goes on around me here.
I up-ended my life, left my job, move half-way across the country, understood the tension and chaos that was involved with her parents, and some aspects of her past, all just for her. These are NOT choices I made lightly, and it seems as though they don't really amount to shit. Almost as if now that I am here, anything I say or do simply does not matter in the long run, because what I see is not any sort of progress or result of any of my efforts to see. I try and help her see the better side of life, the positives in her life, and where she could go if she would JUST. FUCKING. TRY! -sigh- but a lot of times my efforts feel ignored or appreciated.
She also has this issue when I decide to do something on my own without her, even though it is usually in the next room on the computer talking with my other friends. She gets upset when I decide to have ONE FULL DAY with playing games with my friend, and then complains when I decide to do it the next day. I am literally around her 24/7 due to not having a real job, and she wants to complain? I need some room to breathe or I will suffocate and completely snap at her and others. I cannot be continuously pent up next to her side, and not have somewhere to go to get some space. I am also coming from my own house with me doing work, computer, eat, computer, shower, bed, repeat for nearly the past 2 years. Yes, I spoke with her each day on the computer because we met online and had known each other for 6 years before we ever met in person. I feel as though she got too used to that, and now it's hard for me to get my own space. My focus isn't always on her, and it's not going to be. We are both gamers, we have our own circle of friends (or lack there of), and we don't share all the same interests in said games, anime, tv shows, or movies. This is normal, and I completely accept this. But let me express any of these things to her, and she gets upset, she gets frustrated with me because I "always tell her that I don't like something she does" and that "I don't have to point it out all the time."
Prime example, she listens to "Top 40" music. This is typically club music, hip-hop, R&B, and the like. I cannot STAND this kind of music. I am a rocker / metal head. She does listen to some rock and metal that I do, but the most part she is very basic in her music choices. The music, yes I will speak up about it because I simply cannot stand it. -shrugs-
Also, when I tell her I want to do something she doesn't want me to, or like, all I get is a frustrating tone from her, and she gets pissed off at me. Yet when we are just sitting around watching a show, she's on Facebook or Tik-Tok checking out posts and videos. Partially paying attention to the video, but gets upset when I decide to go do something else because she isn't devoting the same time and attention to what she wanted to do originally. It gets irritating for me when she does that. (Small gripe)
She wants to lose weight, but apparently wants to weight until -I- am making enough money to support a monthly installment to the local gym. She doesn't want to workout or work in the morning when it is best to do these things, she wants to wait until just before bed to do this. I tell her that I have studied it, and it is advised against to work out and exercise before bed. Yes, you wear yourself out, but your body is burning calories, and is working to settle down. A shower isn't going to slow this down quickly enough to get someone to sleep. You have the most energy in the morning when you wake up. All the people who have a workout plan and lifestyle like "The Rock" (Whom a lot of people turn to) wake up at 4am, jog, drink or eat breakfast, and then go about their day. They go to bed around 9-10pm, and repeat in the morning. This system is almost universally accepted. Yet she doesn't want anything to do with it.
She is also one of those, my way or I don't want to, or I don't like it. Nobody can tell her she is wrong, she will fight you on it. She always talks to others like she knows more about a subject than they do. Not to be confused with her "step-dad" who always has to one up everyone. You did this? Oh, here is what I did similarly or better. I feel as though she uses her ailments as a crutch in a lot of situations so she doesn't have to face her struggles, or find ways around them. I don't understand this line of thinking. Without even trying, or seriously considering the options it seems, she just gives up. As supportive of everyone else as she is, as empathetic, sympathetic, understanding, and accepting that she is, she has absolutely NO drive to apply her own advice or support to herself. In fact, she makes it seem, in a lot of ways, like it is entirely up to me to make her see and feel these things. My job is to encourage positive growth, and acceptance. But what she doesn't realize is that the first step to accepting one's self is to start. You can't give others advice if you don't try to apply it to yourself, and accept and love yourself at least to some degree.
Again, this is not a post to complain or to say I don't love her. It is simply my thoughts on paper.
Laters-
